I don’t mean to come across as ungrateful or anything, but if I never hear one thing again in my life, it will be too soon. “I don’t know how you’re getting through this. If it was me trying to balance school and work and personal life with everything you have going on, I would just shut down.”

I don’t have that option. Shutting down is flat out not an option. What am I supposed to do? Call my boss and tell her that I quit because I think about Abby every day? Or that I get so excited to show her things only to remember that I never will be able to? Or that I’m never going to be able to visit her gravesite because her parents had her cremated and kept the remains?

I don’t have the option to shut down or take “me time.” My job does not allow graduate assistants any time off. I missed two weeks for my surgery, and I offered to work from home in the meantime. Instead, they just cut 1/3 of my next paycheck and market me off as “leave without pay.” The bills have to be paid. I have to finish my program, and I plan on doing so with a 4.0. I now have the rest of my life to make Abby proud before I see her again.

It’s shitty. Life is just really shitty some times. I wish I had the luxury of shutting down. Every single day I think about her. Every single night I listen to her memorial windchimes and think that’s her telling me she’s still here. I’m not supposed to be a widower at the age of 26. Not only do I have to mourn the life we had together, but I also have to mourn the life we never got the chance to have. The kids. The white picket fences. The growing old together, when now, I’m the one growing old. She never got the chance.

So, before you ask or say “I don’t know how you’re doing it,” just know that I have no clue either. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. I learned that the hard way.